My brain is a bully

My brain is a bully. I was first told this during counselling for BPD a couple of years ago. It made me realise that my brain isn’t always going to be on my side and I will sometimes need to take a step back and leave my brain to its tantrums. I can’t stop my brain from bullying me, but I can stop letting it make me feel bad about myself and my life choices.

My brain is currently getting kicks out of making me think that I made a mistake changing careers. I’m having the thoughts that teaching wasn’t so bad afterall, it was a stable career that pays decently well and has great holidays. I’m beginning to forget how stressed out I felt, how unsatisfied I felt and the feeling of having nothing left at the end of each day because I had given everything I had to the kids. I forget how I had a dream to go back to uni since the very first day I started teaching, that I started buying lottery tickets when I started teaching because I couldn’t see myself working like that for the rest of my life.

This year I finally went back to uni to pursue a career that I think I will find interesting and will fit my personality better. I’m living my dream life at the moment and feel so happy with what I’m studying. Then along comes my brain and suddenly I’m worried I’ve made a huge mistake, that my old life was actually my dream life. I have the thoughts “If I were still a teacher, I wouldn’t need to write up this assignment”.

I’m worried that I’ll never feel satisfied with my life, truth be told I’d rather not have a career at all. I would much rather spend my days lazing around with a good book, spending time with family and working out. So no matter what I choose, be it teaching or biostatistics, there will always be that element of not wanting to be there.

I wish I knew how to be at peace with my choices, how to enjoy my present moment without worrying if I made the right decision or not. I wish my brain wouldn’t backflip on itself so regularly and out of nowhere it suddenly needs something new to keep it happy. I’m always wanting something different.

I had this dilemma in my early dating days with Callum, in fact, when the counsellor first made the comment about my brain being a bully, he was referring to my anxiety about being in a relationship. I was contemplating breaking it off with Callum, I hadn’t even given him a chance yet. My brain was keeping me safe by not allowing me a secure relationship and pining after someone perfect and unattainable, my brain was tormenting me.

I’m now very comfortable with Callum and unbelievably thankful that I did give him a chance, it took a long time and many, many doubts but eventually my brain gave up the idea that I should leave him for a fictional Mr Perfect. How did I get rid of the back and forth thoughts that used to bounce around in my head about my relationship? The “Should I leave him?” “If only he had X, Y and Z then I truly could be happy with him” “he’s wonderful, stay with him” “He’s not good enough, leave him” thoughts. I shut all the doors. I gave myself no option but to stay with him and fully commit to him for 3 months, then I could reassess how I felt. So I fully commit to him, no more fantasizing of Mr Right. No more comparisons between Callum and fiction, no more planning my break up. I fully commit myself to the relationship and to Callum. Once I was no longer trying to find an exit from my relationship, something beautiful happened between us and I started to feel at peace with our relationship.

I know what I must do with my career then, I must fully commit to becoming a biostatistician. My brain will bully me into thinking something different, maybe I’ll decide that my life calling is to be a pastry chef, whatever my brain decides to do I just have to brush that off because I’ve chosen to commit to being a biostatistician. I’ll reassess this at the end of the year, when teaching contracts will be renewed and I’ve done some research projects and had a taste for this field. I can always go back to teaching if that ends up being more suitable for me. For now, all I need to worry about are those looming assignments.

The Golden Mean and next weeks goals

It’s a Sunday morning, Callum’s in bed and it’s raining outside. I’m on the couch sipping coffee and listening to the birds chirping outside and, annoyingly, my cat licking her fur. Now is the perfect time to reflect on the previous week and take lessons learned into the next week. Last week I struggled to do what I wanted to do, sacrificing my goals for my comfort. I’m realising that I’m going to have to strike some sort of balance with myself. Some weeks I find I’m an all work and no play kinda gal, other weeks I’m all play and no work kinda gal. What springs to mind as a goal for next week is aiming to live by the Golden Mean.

The Golden Mean – I first came across this concept reading a self help book titled Aristotle’s Way by Edith Hall. It was one of the first books to pique my interest in philosophy and history and I devoured the book within two days. What did I take away from the book? The idea of the Golden Mean, of finding virtue between vice excess and vice deprivation, and I’ve been coming back to this concept lately to help me guide my goals and thoughts.

As someone previously diagnosed with Borderline Personality, I do struggle with black and white, all or nothing thinking. I tend to live that way too. A big one is with my studying, I either want to spend an entire day studying, neglecting my other goals such as connection with friends and family and exercise. Or I want to spend no time of the day studying. Coming back to the idea of the golden mean I start to think, why don’t I just study a little? I don’t have to spend the whole day studying or completely avoiding it.

This week I’ve made a schedule that gives me the time to accomplish my long term goals (Be the best weightlifter I can and do the best I can at uni) and I also have some time for activities and relaxation. If I can follow my schedule and do the important things, I can relax with no stress. I even bought bath bombs to help me calm down and de-stress during the week, to really make the most of my down time.

What I am happy with from last week is prioritising time with friends and family and going to the gym twice (which is one up from the week before), so I am slowly building up to having a life that will allow me to meet my goals. I went shopping with my sister, Amanda, and her 7 week old son Riley yesterday. He is such a beautiful baby and I love spending time with them. I also ate decently well too, it helps so much to meal prep on a Sunday and get organised.

I’m amazed everyday at how much happier I am this year compared to last. It’s hard feeling calm when you spend a great portion of your day (and life) in a career that isn’t suited to you. I am unbelievably grateful that I have the opportunity to go back to uni full time and pursue a different degree at 29 years old. I am unbelievably grateful that can afford to do weightlifting. I am unbelievably grateful that I am in a relationship that is secure, calm and happy with a man who I can grow with. Oh how things are changing.

7/3/21

I thought I would take some time today to give an update on how my life is going. I’m enjoying part time work and having the time to relax, I have mainly been using that time to read more and I’ve devoured several books already. My stress levels have certainly eased and I feel more like myself. When I was a full time teacher, I noticed that this happened each summer holidays. By the end of the holiday, I feel more in line with who I am after the time off to connect with my own desires and wishes. During the school term, I’m too busy, stressed and trying to fill shoes that don’t fit, I ignore who I am, become someone different and it’s utterly exhausting.

Last week was my first week of studying biostatistics. At first I was worried that I had it too good as a teacher and that no matter what career I am in, I’ll always be dissatisfied because it’s my own attitude to work that’s getting in the way. I was worried I wouldn’t enjoy biostatistics and it would end up being the same issue in a different costume. I have the choice to be satisfied with biostatistics, if anything it pays more than teaching. I don’t have to be a full time biostatistician to enjoy a nice wage.

My worries have eased the more I study, I am thoroughly enjoying biostatistics at the moment and the content I am learning. I have noticed that I am putting off study though, that’s just me not wanting to deal with the unpleasant feelings of sitting down to work. Once I’m working though I feel engaged in what I’m learning, as always, getting started is the hardest part. It requires a large amount of activation energy and if there’s one thing I don’t like doing, it’s expending much energy.

On the topic, the last week I didn’t work out at the gym. There’s always some excuse with me and I want to build a solid routine where these small excuses can’t get in the way. I love olympic lifting and trying to improve each week, I just have to be stronger willed in my resolve to get to the gym. I made a schedule for myself but that was a waste of time. I abandoned the schedule and have not made it to the gym when I wanted to, I am my own worst enemy.

Living with Callum has been lovely and I adore his company. He likes to stick to himself and I can feel myself become needy and annoying at times, I recognise this and then can give him his space. He’s a funny man, content with the minimal and can actually stick to his goals and schedule, I’m too distractible and impulsive. Whereas I constantly crave that dopamine hit, Callum shows me the benefits of being disciplined and waiting. Probably my favourite thing about our relationship is our conversations, they leave me feeling light and fluffy inside. As with being a biostatistician, I’m choosing to be satisfied with Callum and stick this through, we make a great team. What’s important is that I’m my own separate being in our relationship, it’s the first relationship that I’ve been in where I haven’t lost myself.

A relationship that needs a little more work is perhaps the relationship I have with food. I thought moving in with Callum and going for walks each night after dinner would melt the fat away. Alas, I have aged and it seems what used to work for me no longer does. I remember the discipline I cultivated about 10 years ago to lose a large amount of weight quickly and I cringe at the thought of being that restrictive again. I like the idea of intuitive eating, but I also like binge eating and am now edging the “obese” category. What to do? Embrace my curvy figure? Im certainly not as upset about it as I once would have been, but when I see photos of myself I’m not pleased. What upsets me the most is that I’m not feeling healthy and I feel like a slave to food. I don’t like that I get urges to over eat, or to eat at the frequency with which one breathes. I give in to those urges as it’s the only way to quash them. They go away once I give in, and I enjoy a few blissful moments not being a prisoner to food.

It’s the labour day long weekend and I’m at my mums, looking after Frankie and Scruffy. It’s relaxing and I’m getting a lot of reading done, but when I arrived one of the first things I did was go through their kitchen cupboards and BINGE on the delicious foods we don’t have at home. This food preoccupation is something that needs addressing, it takes up too much of my life and thoughts.

11th of March 2020

This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I forced myself to get up. I didn’t want to go to work, but I forced myself to go. I didn’t want to teach, but again I forced myself to stand up in front of the classroom. Today was exhausting. In fact, every day at work is exhausting and a repeat of the last day.

Teaching is seen as a meaningful career, but it leaves me feeling so deeply unfulfilled. I feel like an alien at work now, not quite fitting in with the other teachers. I feel like a fraud, I am a fraud. I dont belong there. As a result, I’ve been avoiding my co-workers and keeping to myself.

My career in teaching is over and I need to get out, unfortunately I have to wait out the year as I accrue my savings and secure my future. I believe students deserve the best teachers, teachers who are passionate and good at conveying information to them. I am torn by this, I can’t leave teaching just yet due to financial reasons but I’m not giving students the teacher they deserve.

I feel like I have such little energy at the end of the day for my own hobbies that I have become resentful of teaching over the years. This year is by far my most challenging in my career and I’m wondering how on earth I’m going to make it through.

I am burnt out but I’m committed to making each day a little more bearable than the previous. I have to do this for my own personal sanity. Tomorrow when I go to work, I’m going to focus on giving students what they need. I’m going to tell myself that I’ll never get to do this again so I better make the most of it. I will focus on one small thing each day to get me through. One day at a time.