A few months ago I quit my Biostatistics course, three quarters into the semester. I was enjoying the theoretical Maths side of the course, and doing really well on assessments but I was dreading anything to do with coding. I realised that my future job in the biostatistics field would be 95% coding. I also had a growing sense of anxiety that I was making the wrong decision in my life, each day I woke up and that anxiety felt stronger and stronger. I could no longer ignore it or talk myself out of it. had to listen to what my mind and body was trying to tell me.
I found myself missing teaching and longing for the classroom, ironic as I had grown to loathe being at school last year. I began planning how I would run my own class again, teaching Maths as it should be taught, not having a textbook shoved in your direction as you’re instructed to study chapter 3 for that week. That was my experience of Maths and I hate that this beautiful study area can be so mistreated.
I started to question why I left teaching in the first place, what exactly did I hate about the job? What stood out the most to me was that I didn’t feel good enough in that job. My dad never approved of me being a teacher, thinking I was destined to become a fantastic scientist that would scour the amazon for some elusive rare frog or something. But my dad doesn’t know who I am, we rarely speak and I see him once a year at Christmas. Truth be told, I changed my career trajectory after being rejected by a guy I really liked a few years ago, I didn’t feel good enough for him either. I changed all my wants and wishes to align with what I thought would finally be good enough. It all back fired of course, I wasn’t living my authentic life and I wasn’t honoring who I am. I was already good enough as a teacher and it has taken me turning my life around, quitting the profession, going back to uni and starting over again to figure that out.
Now, I am actually grateful for the learning opportunity that this has afforded me. I always joke to myself that if there’s a mistake to make, I will make it just to see what happens. Of course, pursuing something then realising it wasn’t for me would not be considered a mistake. I now know that I am going to stay in the education profession and I can feel satisfied and content with my decision. I have learnt a lot about myself, that there is nothing wrong with my life and the sufferings and anxiety I feel at times is a result of not feeling good enough, it comes from my thoughts.
I now work part time at a school tutoring, my life is generally laid back and I can take the extra time in my life to work on how I think about things and pursue hobbies to add richness to my days. Another aspect to teaching that I didn’t like was how I was under the illusion of being time poor, but having this extra time has also given me a fresh perspective; even when I was working 40+ stressful hours as a teacher each week, I still managed to fit in my hobbies and have a fulfilling home life if I put in the effort. The problem I had was that I would take care of my students needs before my own and I would often leave work with nothing left in the tank. The times where I had balance in my life as a teacher I was prioritising myself and taking care of myself first. This is something I will continue to work on because it makes all the difference between enjoying and not enjoying my career.
Here I am sitting at my desk, energised about what I have just written and resisting the urge to plan every facet to my future days. I’m genuinely excited about my life and have come to see that there was nothing wrong with the life I was previously living, it’s all in my mind and how I think about things. I’m now on a journey to living more mindfully and present, not desperately chasing a fictive future that I think will finally satisfy me and make me feel worthy.
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