Schedule Review

I’m trying to do the best I can at the moment, but my brain pushes me to do better and better and better and better. I swear I never used to be this anxious over perfection, I never used to feel so dissatisfied. I’m trying to let go of perfection, I’m trying to just do things that need to be done, not put them off because conditions aren’t ideal. I’m a fairweather weightlifter, uni student and cleaner and this is something I want to be able to move past.

I keep writing out a schedule for myself, but I often don’t follow it because I think it would be better if I schedule particular activities at a different time. I have flip flopped from pushing myself to get up early to go to the gym to going to the gym late at night. In the end I don’t go to the gym because I can’t think of a perfect time to go, or rather, when the time comes to follow my schedule, if conditions don’t feel perfect I blame the schedule and reshuffle everything! I’m getting nowhere with my fitness goals because I’m not being consistent enough.

I’ve decided once and for all to go to the gym at 8pm on a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday night and Saturday morning. I’m not going to change this time for the duration of Term 2 and I’m going to track whether I go or not. I’ve made sure I’ve got plenty of study time in my schedule too, and I’ve balanced this with some fun activities.

Not being consistent is the biggest hurdle to achieving my dreams, I don’t put in the time and effort to make my dreams come true. I’ve designed a schedule to give me that time, but I don’t stick to the schedule. This is what I need to work on!

My brain is a bully

My brain is a bully. I was first told this during counselling for BPD a couple of years ago. It made me realise that my brain isn’t always going to be on my side and I will sometimes need to take a step back and leave my brain to its tantrums. I can’t stop my brain from bullying me, but I can stop letting it make me feel bad about myself and my life choices.

My brain is currently getting kicks out of making me think that I made a mistake changing careers. I’m having the thoughts that teaching wasn’t so bad afterall, it was a stable career that pays decently well and has great holidays. I’m beginning to forget how stressed out I felt, how unsatisfied I felt and the feeling of having nothing left at the end of each day because I had given everything I had to the kids. I forget how I had a dream to go back to uni since the very first day I started teaching, that I started buying lottery tickets when I started teaching because I couldn’t see myself working like that for the rest of my life.

This year I finally went back to uni to pursue a career that I think I will find interesting and will fit my personality better. I’m living my dream life at the moment and feel so happy with what I’m studying. Then along comes my brain and suddenly I’m worried I’ve made a huge mistake, that my old life was actually my dream life. I have the thoughts “If I were still a teacher, I wouldn’t need to write up this assignment”.

I’m worried that I’ll never feel satisfied with my life, truth be told I’d rather not have a career at all. I would much rather spend my days lazing around with a good book, spending time with family and working out. So no matter what I choose, be it teaching or biostatistics, there will always be that element of not wanting to be there.

I wish I knew how to be at peace with my choices, how to enjoy my present moment without worrying if I made the right decision or not. I wish my brain wouldn’t backflip on itself so regularly and out of nowhere it suddenly needs something new to keep it happy. I’m always wanting something different.

I had this dilemma in my early dating days with Callum, in fact, when the counsellor first made the comment about my brain being a bully, he was referring to my anxiety about being in a relationship. I was contemplating breaking it off with Callum, I hadn’t even given him a chance yet. My brain was keeping me safe by not allowing me a secure relationship and pining after someone perfect and unattainable, my brain was tormenting me.

I’m now very comfortable with Callum and unbelievably thankful that I did give him a chance, it took a long time and many, many doubts but eventually my brain gave up the idea that I should leave him for a fictional Mr Perfect. How did I get rid of the back and forth thoughts that used to bounce around in my head about my relationship? The “Should I leave him?” “If only he had X, Y and Z then I truly could be happy with him” “he’s wonderful, stay with him” “He’s not good enough, leave him” thoughts. I shut all the doors. I gave myself no option but to stay with him and fully commit to him for 3 months, then I could reassess how I felt. So I fully commit to him, no more fantasizing of Mr Right. No more comparisons between Callum and fiction, no more planning my break up. I fully commit myself to the relationship and to Callum. Once I was no longer trying to find an exit from my relationship, something beautiful happened between us and I started to feel at peace with our relationship.

I know what I must do with my career then, I must fully commit to becoming a biostatistician. My brain will bully me into thinking something different, maybe I’ll decide that my life calling is to be a pastry chef, whatever my brain decides to do I just have to brush that off because I’ve chosen to commit to being a biostatistician. I’ll reassess this at the end of the year, when teaching contracts will be renewed and I’ve done some research projects and had a taste for this field. I can always go back to teaching if that ends up being more suitable for me. For now, all I need to worry about are those looming assignments.