Resolve for routine

I guess you never really think a crisis would happen to you, in your time.

Here it is, the COVID 19 pandemic. It’s crazy to think that a little over a week ago this was an issue barely on my radar. It wasn’t until after work on Friday the 13th that a colleague of mine mentioned they’d heard talks of the school shutting down as precautionary measure to “flatten the curve”.

Later that afternoon, just as I walked into my olympic lifting class, a woman mentioned that our Foreign Affairs minister Peter Dutton had contracted the virus. The weightlifting competition that I had planned to spectate the next day was cancelled. Shit got real.

I spent the next week glued to my phone and the news. I was too anxious to maintain my usual activities. I would come home from school, exhausted from trying to plan for both online and face to face lessons, parent emails and impending doom, and sit in front of the TV. I didn’t take care of myself last week. I didn’t cook dinner, clean or even go to Olympic Lifting.

What I learnt last week is that if you don’t take care of yourself, things will get worse. My house was a bombsite, I felt guilty for not going to the gym and unhealthy from eating hot cross buns or cereal for dinner every night. I decided to change things and on Friday, I woke up at 5:30am and cleaned my house. I ate 3 nutritious meals and studied for my maths degree. I then dragged myself to the gym early on Saturday morning. I was reminded of how powerful and comforting routine and engaging in hobbies can be. I felt so much better from just those small activities and went on to have a pleasant Saturday.

Today my life was changed again with the announcement of the closure for all non-essential business. This means my school, Olympic lifting and my sense of security will all be cancelled. As someone who measures highly in the personality trait Neuroticism, this really shook me. I like to feel in control and am anxious when I am not, normality has been thrown out the window.

Now more than ever, a sense of routine is important for me. I will focus on what I can control, what I truly can control, and forget about the rest. I’ve written up a daily schedule and will do my best to continue Olympic Lifting at home in isolation. I will write, I will connect with others, and I will share my salary with those who are less fortunate than me.

 

11th of March 2020

This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I forced myself to get up. I didn’t want to go to work, but I forced myself to go. I didn’t want to teach, but again I forced myself to stand up in front of the classroom. Today was exhausting. In fact, every day at work is exhausting and a repeat of the last day.

Teaching is seen as a meaningful career, but it leaves me feeling so deeply unfulfilled. I feel like an alien at work now, not quite fitting in with the other teachers. I feel like a fraud, I am a fraud. I dont belong there. As a result, I’ve been avoiding my co-workers and keeping to myself.

My career in teaching is over and I need to get out, unfortunately I have to wait out the year as I accrue my savings and secure my future. I believe students deserve the best teachers, teachers who are passionate and good at conveying information to them. I am torn by this, I can’t leave teaching just yet due to financial reasons but I’m not giving students the teacher they deserve.

I feel like I have such little energy at the end of the day for my own hobbies that I have become resentful of teaching over the years. This year is by far my most challenging in my career and I’m wondering how on earth I’m going to make it through.

I am burnt out but I’m committed to making each day a little more bearable than the previous. I have to do this for my own personal sanity. Tomorrow when I go to work, I’m going to focus on giving students what they need. I’m going to tell myself that I’ll never get to do this again so I better make the most of it. I will focus on one small thing each day to get me through. One day at a time.

 

November 24 2019

I’m beginning to feel like I have a lot to live for. I’m climbing my way out of a hole I have fallen into over the past couple of years. It’s not easy. I’m so tired. I’m unmotivated. I’m, at times, feeling hopeless.

Today feels a bit different, I’ve found some energy to make a plan for my future and do a little cleaning. Hey, I’ve also found some energy to do what I love; writing.

I think it’s unbelievably important to make a detailed plan for your life. Sure, it’s all well and good to have goals. How can you achieve them if you don’t map out how you’re going to achieve them? I’ve given up on goal setting. The process feels overwhelming and I tend to steer away from the idea, when I’m feeling hopeless, I want to confirm that everything is hopeless.

Today I’m feeling hopeful and so I’ll leverage this hopeful spirit to make a plan. I have a rough outline in my head, but by no means is it detailed.

My ideal 1 year plan:

Save a lot of money in 2020 to go back to uni in 2021 to complete a masters degree.

Get all HD’s in my remaining subjects in my current maths degree so that I have the prerequisites for my masters degree.

Find a meaningful hobby that brings me joy and is a form of stress relief

Keep myself fit and healthy.

Make some friends/rebuild friendships

Big reasons for considering a career change:

I’ve had the feeling since I started that this job isn’t the right fit

I didn’t enjoy my teaching placements

The happiest I’ve been at work was 2017, when I had amazing co-workers. It wasn’t exactly the work itself.

I don’t want to progress in my career anymore.

I don’t see myself working in education in 20 years time, in fact, i dread that.

I feel I really did panic after graduating my science degree

Im not really passionate about teaching

In my first year, Id get a sinking feeling whenever I overheard a convo about teaching. I didnt want to think about it. I didnt want to talk about it.

Im bored

Ive only been doing this for 4 years

 

The unexpected

 

November 2019

Towards the end of the year, I always find myself in a reflective state, mulling over the events that have occurred throughout the year.  Naturally, I’m always fascinated by those unexpected events, the ones that change your trajectory entirely and take your life down a new, unexpected path.

2019, for me, was far more unexpected than usual. I started the year off with an unexpected pregnancy, to an unexpected crazy man. I unexpectedly landed myself in a psychiatric hospital where my best friend of more than 10 years unexpectedly professed his love for me, only to take it back when he realised I wasn’t in my best mental shape for a relationship.

These unexpected twists and turns have left me where I am this Monday evening; In front of my laptop, drunk, and trying to figure it all out.

Truthfully, and unsurprisingly, I am miserable. The tumultuous plummet to the bottom has left me a little worse for wear, and to be honest, tired. Exhausted. I am unhappy and I feel like I haven’t the energy to change how I’m living. Each day I wake up and declare that today will be the day, today I will make progress on my goals. Then, at some point during the day, either the victim mindset takes over or I start to lose my will power. Each night I end up regretting my daily actions. I can see the opportunities for improvement that I passed up in favour of a glass of wine and a movie.

Tonight, for example, I was driving home from work and had decided to make the most of the sun and go for a walk. I pulled in to the supermarket on my way home to pick up a nutritious meal for dinner when a man in an orange ute pulled up to my car awfully close.  I’m talking mere cm’s from my side view mirror. For some reason, this small caveat to my day set in motion the unrelenting crisis. I couldn’t get out of my car and go into the supermarket, so I went straight home. I was furious. Once home, I walked in the door and could see dirty dishes from last nights dinner. Again, the anger grew. I decided to ditch my walk and instead I poured myself a glass of wine and put on some Harry Potter. I then consumed 3 bowls of porridge with brown sugar and a stir fry.

My night could have gone better, I can see those missed opportunities. I could have moved my car to a different parking spot after the man in the orange ute pulled up next to me. I then could have got out of my car, bought some nutritious food, came home, go for a walk to clear my head, cook a nutritious dinner and tidy up. Simple! I know what I do wrong, but I seem to think that conditions need to be perfect before my plans can go accordingly. If conditions for happiness aren’t perfect today, I might as well throw in the towel and try again tomorrow.

Well, that’s a perfectionists way of living. Nothing gets done and I go backwards. Tomorrow really is the day, I know tomorrow really is the day because I’m blogging. That’s a big deal. I’m making improvements.